I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
