I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
