Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
