So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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