As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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