the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
