Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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