Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
