Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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