After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
