They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
