They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
