you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
