I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
