Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
