it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
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