Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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