There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
