I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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