Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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