If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
