When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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