i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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