We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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