walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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