the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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