The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
