you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
