think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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