where am i from again
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
