guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
