DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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