ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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