Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
