i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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