It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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