I'm so fucking centered right now
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
