Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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