Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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