I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Mom said you looked used
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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