all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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