One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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