do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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