I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
