So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
