i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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