I wish my penis had an off switch
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
