Someone shit on the floor
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
