my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
