we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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