The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
