No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I didn't notice because vodka
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
