How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
