You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
